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Saturday, June 18, 2011

She's the last of the American girls

do I really know you?
really, truly know you?
probably not
does that mean I don't want to?
I do
I really do
but will I?
that question doesn't really have an answer yet
it all depends on the varibles
what happens when
when do I see you
when do you see me
not soon
I have to wait
patience is a virtue, someone said
not for me
patience is pain
pain and loneliness
being so close
yet far away from you
it's tearing me apart
everyone else is happy
what about me?
what about me?
do I deserve it?
but it doesn't stop me from wanting it anyway
wanting their happiness
trying to feed off of their energy
feeling their happiness over my feelings
it's too much
I have officially had enough
I'm done with the dreams
that fantasies
the imagining
the pretending
it's all fake
why can't it ever be real?
why is it never real for me?
it's not fair
but my life isn't either
I guess it balances out
most of the time
before you know it
someone comes along
and sends it all

and then you

into it
you don't know what it is
but you feel it
you know you're not supposed to
but you do anyway
you can't help it
you can't help what you feel
you may try your hardest
with every fiber of your being
to be someone
but you just can't
but you
you don't care
you're just yourself
you don't care what anyone thinks
you be yourself
and that's all that matters to you
I need you
to change me
I want to be like you
I want to know you
but, then again
do I really know you?
really, truly know you?
probably not...

Poetry is my sin

is this really it?
this is what i've become?
after all of the i've done
things i've seen
things i've been through
i've been corrupted
damaged beyond recognition
yet still
i'm still me
sadly, but still
i'm me
this is me now
not me then
i used to be so full of life
faith in myself
and what i was capable of
not anymore
all innocence is lost
i am that child no more
this is my life now
the thoughts controlling your mind
they have changed as well
everything changed
i am not the same
i am different
i have changed
but not for the better it seems
i used to be happy
full of life
friends who cared
a life i wanted
not this life i have
now i am bitter
family is trying to help
but they'll never understand
friends are fading
they wouldn't accept the new you
the real you
this monster
under the mask
under the bed
waiting for the right moment
to jump out of the shadows
into the light
and into
the depths

Just do it

That's it.
I'm done playing around.
No more games.
This is real.
No more scared baby
I am beyond done.
This is
Quit your bit.ching.
It's all been done.
You can calm down now.
Get on with your life.
Not like you needed me in the first place.
I'm now lost in space.
Floating away.
In my own universe.
In my own pain.
You don't have to deal with it anymore.
As if you were trying to anyways.
You don't have to listen to me whine anymore.
I said it.
I did it.
I'm done.
Now your words really mean something, don't they?
Bet you realize that now, right?
Hope so.
Really hope so.

Just die, why don't you?

thats right
die b.itch
your worth nothing

you lie
concieted sl.ut

don't you know that's what they think of you?
you may not
but its all true


don't believe yourself
you opinion matters nothing

all of those you've hurt
their wounds will never heal
and neither will yours

so go ahead.
just run.
care no more
make it all go away
one simple motion

and its

but no.

you're too weak, aren't you?
scared little b.itch
can't handle it, can you?

but it'll get you soon enough.
just wait, honey


The voices are telling me it's over

thats all i keep hearing
your not worth it
no one will care
die, b.itch
its the only way out
the only way away from all of it
the only way away from all of them
the only way away from yourslef
the only way to get away
if you can't die
then figure out a way
to remember your pain
every day
that little sting
that reminds you
oh, by the way
you're nothing
at all
so jiust go away
get out of here
its best for everyone
so run
quick, beofre they find you
go out to the feilds
wait till night falls
and then..
get your nuce
find your tree
tie the knot
slip your head
into the hole
and see at one last light
because, honey
after that
its etrnal darkness

Time makes you bolder, children get older

i'm getting older, too
great song
and now for another poem...


you'll all look at me different
then again, it's not like you'll believe me
i'm just making it all up
to be different, you say
yeah, i would make all of it up.
i would want to go through all this.
i would want people to think of me as a freak
different in the worst of ways, they would say
you're going to hell
but i'm not different
i'm still me
i'm just me trying to figure out who me really is
is it really too much to ask?
to much to ask for someone other than my sister who understands?
someone else to confide in
that won;t just send me to more sessions
or raise my dosage?
I've almost found out what the probelm is
but it's not like anyone can help
you've all been 'helping' so much,
that i can't trust any of you
with anything.
so, yeah.
i'm just making it all up.
for kicks.
for attention.
for the hell of it.
but if you just see
see into my mind
you'd wanna get the hell out of there
as fast as you could
becasue my mind
is a damn scary place.
and i would want out, too.
but i can't.
so i guess all i can do
is make sure that if i can't get out
nobody can.