Oh, didn't see you there ~

wow
that's it
wow
this is just so...
it feels like nothing happened
but
it did
it really did
I have to keep saying it aloud
proving to myself that this is really real
I still can't believe it
it feels like I dreamed it
but I didn't
you were always there
even when I didn't see it
but why here?
why now?
was it spur of the moment?
had you been planning this for some time?
I personally believe it's neither
it just...
happened
that's it
so...
where do we go from here?
was it just a one-time thing?
will we really carry this through?
do you think we can?
I don't know.
but we can try
by God, we can try
if...
if this isn't...
too awkward
but...
it sorta feels like...
it shouldn't be
we've known eachother...
forever
I know you
you know me
then...
why does it feel like
I'm meeting you all over again?

She's the last of the American girls

do I really know you?
really, truly know you?
probably not
does that mean I don't want to?
false
I do
I really do
but will I?
that question doesn't really have an answer yet
it all depends on the varibles
what happens when
when do I see you
when do you see me
not soon
I have to wait
patience is a virtue, someone said
not for me
patience is pain
pain and loneliness
being so close
yet far away from you
it's tearing me apart
everyone else is happy
what about me?
what about me?
do I deserve it?
no
but it doesn't stop me from wanting it anyway
wanting their happiness
trying to feed off of their energy
feeling their happiness over my feelings
loneliness
anger
pain
frustration
confusion
it's too much
I have officially had enough
I'm done with the dreams
that fantasies
the imagining
the pretending
it's all fake
why can't it ever be real?
why is it never real for me?
it's not fair
but my life isn't either
I guess it balances out
most of the time
but
before you know it
someone comes along
and sends it all
tumbling
d
o
w
n







and then you
f
a
l
l




into it
you don't know what it is
but you feel it
you know you're not supposed to
but you do anyway
you can't help it
you can't help what you feel
you may try your hardest
with every fiber of your being
to be someone
different
but you just can't
but you
you don't care
you're just yourself
you don't care what anyone thinks
you be yourself
and that's all that matters to you
I need you
to change me
I want to be like you
I want to know you
but, then again
do I really know you?
really, truly know you?
probably not...

Poetry is my sin

is this really it?
this is what i've become?
after all of the sh.it i've done
things i've seen
things i've been through
i've been corrupted
tainted
stained
scarred
damaged beyond recognition
yet still
i'm still me
sadly, but still
i'm me
this is me now
not me then
i used to be so full of life
ambition
hope
faith in myself
and what i was capable of
not anymore
all innocence is lost
i am that child no more
this is my life now
unjust
cruel
lonely
the thoughts controlling your mind
they have changed as well
everything changed
i am not the same
i am different
i have changed
but not for the better it seems
i used to be happy
full of life
joy
family
friends who cared
a life i wanted
not this life i have
now i am bitter
cold
resentful
family is trying to help
but they'll never understand
friends are fading
they wouldn't accept the new you
the real you
this monster
under the mask
hiding
under the bed
waiting for the right moment
to jump out of the shadows
into the light
and into
the depths
of
reality

Just do it

That's it.
I'm done playing around.
No more games.
This is real.
No more scared baby sh.it.
I am beyond done.
This is bullsh.it.
Quit your bit.ching.
It's all been done.
You can calm down now.
Get on with your life.
Not like you needed me in the first place.
I'm now lost in space.
Floating
Floating away.
In my own universe.
In my own pain.
You don't have to deal with it anymore.
As if you were trying to anyways.
You don't have to listen to me whine anymore.
I said it.
I did it.
I'm done.
Happy?
Now your words really mean something, don't they?
Bet you realize that now, right?
Hope so.
Really hope so.

Just die, why don't you?

thats right
die b.itch
your worth nothing

you lie
cheat
concieted sl.ut

don't you know that's what they think of you?
you may not
but its all true

every
word

don't believe yourself
you opinion matters nothing

all of those you've hurt
their wounds will never heal
and neither will yours

so go ahead.
just run.
care no more
make it all go away
one simple motion

and its
all
gone.



but no.

you're too weak, aren't you?
scared little b.itch
can't handle it, can you?

but it'll get you soon enough.
just wait, honey

just
wait.

The voices are telling me it's over

die
thats all i keep hearing
die
die
die
your not worth it
no one will care
die
die, b.itch
die
its the only way out
the only way away from all of it
the only way away from all of them
the only way away from yourslef
the only way to get away
die
die
die
if you can't die
then figure out a way
to remember your pain
every day
that little sting
that reminds you
oh, by the way
you're nothing
at all
so jiust go away
get out of here
its best for everyone
so run
quick, beofre they find you
go out to the feilds
run
run
run
wait till night falls
and then..
get your nuce
find your tree
tie the knot
slip your head
into the hole
and see at one last light
because, honey
after that
its etrnal darkness

Time makes you bolder, children get older

i'm getting older, too
great song
and now for another poem...

------------------------------------

you'll all look at me different
then again, it's not like you'll believe me
i'm just making it all up
to be different, you say
yeah, i would make all of it up.
i would want to go through all this.
i would want people to think of me as a freak
different in the worst of ways, they would say
you're going to hell
but i'm not different
i'm still me
i'm just me trying to figure out who me really is
is it really too much to ask?
to much to ask for someone other than my sister who understands?
someone else to confide in
that won;t just send me to more sessions
or raise my dosage?
I've almost found out what the probelm is
but it's not like anyone can help
you've all been 'helping' so much,
that i can't trust any of you
with anything.
so, yeah.
i'm just making it all up.
for kicks.
for attention.
for the hell of it.
but if you just see
see into my mind
you'd wanna get the hell out of there
as fast as you could
becasue my mind
is a damn scary place.
and i would want out, too.
but i can't.
so i guess all i can do
is make sure that if i can't get out
nobody can.

Don't Give In

i think about you all the time.
i long for you.
i cannot get you out of my head.
your cold, cold feel.
beckoning to me.
do it.
do it.
do it.
I'm right here.
do it.
do it.
do it.
why do you do this to me?
why do you cause me all of this pain?
why do i still need you?
they said they would help.
they lied.
they lied to you.
so i go to you.
i hate you.
you're disgusting.
i need you.
i feel i need you to get through the pain.
i am not alone.
but i feel the loneliness all around me.
i am alive.
but i am not living.
i'm living a lie.
you'll get better.
no i won't.
you can control yourself.
no i can't.
you don't believe in me.
you never did.
but yet, i then come back to you.
your soft beckoning in my ear.
whispering the tones of rebellion.
come.
do it.
do it now.
it's the only way.
they don't care about you.
come.
do it.
do it now.
you plant lies in my head.
but yet i still believe
every
one.
you are not a person.
yet you are alive.
you are dersire.
and i fear
i will
give
in.

Hymn of the Broken

fake the smile
hide the pain
hide it behind
your mask of shame

the blinding light
too much to bear
leads you into
your despair

what you feel
what you know
feelings and emotions
have yet to grow

all the hurt
all the loss
all the emotions
up in the toss

you could have loved then
you could have loved now
that was quite the show
so take your bow

because all you've done
is manipulate and twist it
so take your bow
i guess you've earned it

so keep faking the smile
keep hiding your pain
never to take off
your mask of shame

it's all alright

this isn't so bad
you know, in the grand scheme of things.
there's just the little things.
little things like you
and me
and how i just let it go.
but i didn't exactly just roll of your shoulders.
your wound has only just started to heal
while mine is just beginning to open
but it's all alright.
you're over it.
and i'm not.
and i don't know what to do.
but it's all alright.
its okay that i also have your burden on my shoulders.
never knowing when you'll hurt yourself.
when you'll pick up your blade.
never knowing how bad a mood you can get in.
never knowing when that mood will push you over the edge.
never knowing if i'll end up following in your path.
but i'm okay.
i'm okay worrying about what the future holds.
i'm okay worrying about you
and thinking about you all the time.
i'm okay with all that.
it's life that's killing me.

Why? (a poem by me)

i just have one question.
why?
why would you make me feel like this?
why do you do this to yourself?
why is there no way in the world that i can ever help you?
why will you never stop?
why do assume that you have it all under control?
why can't you realize that you never will?
why will you never realize how much i worry every day?
why didn't you realize that i think it's my fault?
why can't you realize that i wanted to end it all?
why can't you realize that it's because i can never do anything to help you?
why don't you ever answer when i ask what's wrong?
why won't you admit that there is something wrong?
why won't you admit that there's alot wrong?
why won't you let me help?
why do you think i'm asking you all these questions?
because i'm looking for the answers.

Untitled (a poem by me)

you treated me better than anyone ever could
probably better than anyone ever will.
you only said the sweetest thing you possibly could.
whenever i lost a game, you erased your points to make it say i won.
anything you texted me i knew could could say staright to my face if you wanted to.
you loved everything about me.
even when i looked like mess,
you called my beautiful
smart
and amazing.
how could i not have felt the same?
you were perfect to me.
how could i just let that go?
you were so hurt.
as you shouldve been.
you loved me.
at least i think so.
ill never really know now, will i?
ill never get a chance to tell you that it really wasnt you causing the problem.
it was all me.
it was all my fault.
you know why?
because the closest to perfect boy
just came around at the closest to worst time in my life.
i was going through so much.
my first real relationship on top of that was so overwhelming.
i just couldnt do it all.
so now i just have the memories.
the memories of the good times.
there were only good time that i can remember.
except the one bad time.
the time when i heard that voice. for the first time.
your voice after your pain of rejection.
i could hear the hurt,
the pain,
just from that voice.
even thinking that i could cause a person that much pain makes me want to cry.
and then i want you back.
i want to take away that hurt forever,
so you can never feel it again.
but the i think again.
am i only remembering the good times?
i heard that your brain tried to block out bad memories of relationships, and only shows you the ones that you want to remember.
but, if that is to be true, why do i remember the good and bad of my other relationships,
and only have good memories of ours?
maybe that's because there were no bad times.
except the time i broke your heart.
so there you have it.
i may have made a terrible mistake over a year ago.
i may just be paying for it now.
i may have let let you go for good.
and i think i miss you.